Stupidfuture: Obscure Sci-Fi Parodies

Those who fear the future are largely afraid to laugh at it….

Dr. Hans Rienhardt’s Short-Lived Deli Job

Posted by stupidfuture on February 2, 2009

Interplanetary Combat Robot Proves Metal In Processing Lunchmeat

Interplanetary Combat Robot Proves Mettle In Processing Lunchmeat

Well, if you’re gonna be a madman, who says you can’t make a mean cold cut?  Hans Rienhardt, villian of Disney’s 1980s sci-fi trek The Black Hole, managed a state-of-the-art food growing and processing facility onboard the U.S.S. Cygnus so that he could feed his army of mechanized humanoid workers.  He had to start somewhere, right?  He probably got the idea of mechanizing his crew from one of those automatic ordering systems you find nowadays when purchasing bulk lunchmeat products.  Please allow 35 minutes to complete your order of cybernetic slaves, thanks.

Of course, no one knew much about black holes in the 1980s.  We didn’t understand being compressed to a singularity, squished beyond jello squished.  We knew nothing about spagettification.   The only spagettification in the Disney cannon at that point happened during Lady and the Tramp, where both titular canines try to eat the same noodle and end up sucking face instead.  Not getting stretched into infinite thinness hitting the event horizon.  No one hazarded a guess that black holes lurked in the center of every galaxy, or that the universe was tuned to a really low Bb note.   All we knew was that red robots were cool, and that you could talk to them with ESP.   I bet you Honda’s already working on that somewhere right now.  But all you can think about is salami.

2 Responses to “Dr. Hans Rienhardt’s Short-Lived Deli Job”

  1. Dude, Maximillian was like the awesomest evil robot ever! What a waste to relegate him to meat-slicing duty! Don’t know if you noticed, but in the movie Wall-E, that tiny, evil security robot is shaped like Maximillian (a Disney in-joke…).

    Those mechanized humanoids in The Black Hole always freaked me out when I was a kid… didn’t they have like tin-foil wrapped around their heads?

  2. It’s like this glass dome thing on the front, like PinBot. Alex, the scientist dude on the good-guy team, pulls off the mask of one of them, and the shriveled up humanoid sucks in this big wheezy breath. Creepy image, but it sort of begs the question how they breathe normally; guess there’s a tube in their armpit or something. Which would explain why they’re all shocked and shriveled up. They may grow veggies on the Cygnus, but there’s no deodorant manufacturing plant…..

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