Stupidfuture: Obscure Sci-Fi Parodies

Those who fear the future are largely afraid to laugh at it….

Why Kirk Can’t Date Normal Women

Posted by stupidfuture on May 7, 2009

Famed Intergalactic Explorer Prefers "Salt Vampire" Test to Turing, Voight-Kamff

Famed Intergalactic Explorer Prefers "Salt Vampire" Test to Turing, Voight-Kamff

Long before he sold out to eBay and Priceline, William Shatner produced some very disturbing material.  And not just that “T.J. Hooker” cop show.  I mean those spoken word versions of famous pop songs.  Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.  (But please play loud enough that I can’t hear that spoken word dude next to you….) It’s kind of like a book on tape, except that it’s a song.  Or isn’t.  No, wait.  A song would already be on tape.  My point is, if you can’t sing, and don’t even want to try, why not make books on tape?  Oh, yeah, nobody uses tape anymore.  Except people who send things to random strangers across the country using eBay.  Tape, and bubblewrap.  Why didn’t Shatner make books on bubblewrap?  That would have been cool.  Oh, well.  At least he didn’t pull a “I Am Not Spock” and then turn around and say “I Am Spock” on his next record.  Well, he would have said “Kirk”, but you get the idea.   No, wait, I think he should have done “I Am T.J. Hooker” and then “I Am Not T.J. Hooker” thus ending the great Kirk/Hooker debate.  Which is irrelevant since due to all of his experiences with weird fem/aliens, he can no longer relate to normal human women.  Except for that time that he was one for most of an episode.   Ennh, he still probably couldn’t have related to them then anyway.  No matter.  Just remember the awesome, grusomely hysterical  expressions he made as Evil Kirk in “Mirror, Mirror” and try to sleep at night.  If that doesn’t work, put on some spoken word bubblewrap.

One Response to “Why Kirk Can’t Date Normal Women”

  1. Whoa, he could call it “bubble-RAP” and break the bubbles to create the beat while he does his spoken word thingy. I think you just invented a new genre of music! It should be recorded exclusively on 8-track tape to preserve the lo-fi-ness of it all.

    My favorite Shatner moment of all time is his live performance of Rocket Man:

    . It’s the most psychedelic use of chroma-key ever… just totally mind-altering stuff. It think it actually works pretty good in it’s own spaced-out way – kinda like a Lou Reed version of the song. Shatner’s version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds always disturbed me, though – it’s probably what a “bad trip” feels like…

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