Stupidfuture: Obscure Sci-Fi Parodies

Those who fear the future are largely afraid to laugh at it….

The Actual Book of Eli

Posted by stupidfuture on January 15, 2010

Business Text Proves Useful In Negotiating Armageddon

Denzel Washington survives the End of the World in the new movie The Book of Eli and spends all his time carrying around a Bible.  Okay, fine, there’s probably some really good stuff in there you might want, though I’d probably stick around the book of Exodus, where all the major butt-kicking occurs.  Because let’s face it, there’s never a nice post-Apocalyptic society.  You need Old Testment kinda stuff to make sense of a destroyed landscape where it’s hard to find food.  But I’d much rather have, say, The Book Scout Handbook or The Army Survival Manual.  Stuff that tells you how to catch a bear and which berries will give you a rash.  Boo-yah.

But really, really what I’d want is something tailored exactly to the situation.  Like Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but revised for the situation, to be The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Post-Apocalyptic Warriors.  (Habit #1: Always wear sunglasses.) As long as they don’t mention the word “synergy”.  No matter what color your parachute is, or who moved your cheese, the only time you should ever use the word “synergy” is when you’re talking about Jem and The Holograms.  Which was, of course, truly outrageous. 

Interestingly enough, one of Covey’s actual “7 Habits” is “Begin with the End in Mind.”  Truer words have never been written for the Mad Max set.

One Response to “The Actual Book of Eli”

  1. Right on… ! Yeah, I agree with your book selections… I’ve been watching all of these “Apocalypse Man” and “Life After People” shows, and other “how to survive an apocalypse” shows on History Channel the past couple weeks (not to mention all of the shows about what possible Armageddons that may occur – climate change, asteroid hit, whatever), and I’m starting to feel like I’m in survival training for the future. Well, the mental training, at least. Sitting there for hours like a couch potato watching this stuff probably won’t help when civilization fails.

    Maybe it’s some conspiracy, and some secret group is using History Channel and Hollywood to train some people to survive something that they expect to happen… why all of these post-apocalypse movies lately, too? The Road, 2012, Eli, etc. Seems like one comes out every month. Yeah, gotta be a conspiracy, man. Get your supply of sunglasses ready. (Funny, my shades don’t usually last beyond one or two summers without getting scratched up, broken, or the lens coating frying off from the salt water at the Jersey Shore. How do these post-apoc dudes keep their shades looking good after nuclear winter and stuff? )

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