Poetry? Why Not. They Did Everything Else.

Professor Chaos–Butters on South Park–once came to the conclusion that the Simpsons had already done everything.  He felt trapped in a world mapped out by Bart, Lisa, Homer, Maggie, Marge and all the crew (not to mention Jessica and Ashley….).  Well South Park itself has used up a great deal of potential plot ideas itself.  Everyone’s had a shot at poor Kenny, right?  Not so, not so.  There’s a long list of sci-fi baddies with energy weapons, spaceships, photon torpedoes, distintegration rays, and so on just itching for a chance.  Yet of all these, perhaps the most officious and callous would be the Vogons.

The Vogons–who destroy the Earth in the beginning of every incarnation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy–are, of course, the third worst poets in the Universe.  Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to endure Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz’s loftier literary ambitions.  They survive through adept use of disingenuous literary criticism, but Captain Jeltz orders them thrown into space anyway.  Point is, the Vogons have not yet had a crack at Kenny McCormick.  And hey, it’s only the third worst poetry in the Universe.  The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria, and the very worst poetry in existence is KISS lyrics read out loud.  “You show us everything you got.  You keep on dancin’, and the room gets hot.  You drive us wild.  We’ll…drive you crazy.”  Poor Kenny would never last a minute under that kind of stress….

BSG Finale: Hitchhiker’s Guide Ending

Prehistoric Breeding Rights: May The Best Dressed Prevail

Well, at least they didn’t do the Scooby Doo ending…although part of me would have liked to have seen Tigh grab Cavil by the scruff and proclaim that he was really Old Man Withers who ran the amusement park downtown.  No, instead we got the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy ending, wherein Ancient Astronauts of one sort or another interfere with the delicate balance of evolution on Earth.  I particularly liked the scene where Baltar, Adama, Tigh, and a few others lay down watching the Cave People in the distance, and someone says, “We can breed with them.”  Uh, huh-huh.  Hey, baby.  I like, know those caveguys from GEICO, or something.  Us and the Vikings from Capital One hang out.  Let’s see, what’s a good pickup line…Hey, baby, can I show you how to make fire?

Arthur and Ford, of course, arrive in the company of the Golgafrincham telephone sanitizer “B” Ark crew to accidentally replace the nascent population of primative humans on Prehistoric Earth.  The Galactica crew arrives with the half-bread (half-toaster) Cylon Brat Hera, who somehow Mothers the whole human race, becoming Genetic Eve.  I guess glowing spines are genetically recessive after a few generations.   No sweat.  All of this happened before, and all of it will happen again.  The only difference is that some of us are snappier dressers…and the others really know where their towels are, you hoop froods.