Jeff Paul’s Shortcuts To Skynet Millions

Reanimated Convict Becomes Heir To Untold Technology Riches

If you’ve ever been up really, really late at night maybe you’ve seen Jeff Paul’s informercial “Shortcuts to Internet Millions”.  You’ll know it right away due to the fact that you really don’t see all that much of Jeff himself, just the usual people playing golf, eating expensive food, lounging by swimming pools…all the hallmarks of a life of luxury.  Oh, yes, and his two perky, buxom female interviewers (Carmen Paulmbo, Stacey Hayes) who interrogate the suddenly well-to-do.  Surprisingly, they don’t seem to mind the questioning all that much. 

Poor Marcus Wright, though, will never have a chance to utilize Jeff’s scheme, no matter how well it works.  Marcus was a convict in Terminator: Salvation who donated his body to science (err, well, I guess he donated it to science fiction, like the comedian Steven Wright–no relation–said).  He wakes up with no memory and a shiny metal endoskeleton.  Skynet likes him at first–it thinks it’s his mommy–and wants to make him heir to the robot empire, but Marcus will have none of it.  All the Kristiana Lokken T-X models had already left, you see.  Anyway, after a long, drawn-out movie with a heck of a lot of yelling in it (which resembles Apocalypse Now quite a bit), the whole thing is set up for a few dozen sequels.  Marcus gets damaged, though; he might need to get some prosthetic covering from one of them there newfangled “V” type aliens.  One face-ripper to another, he could say: hey, bro, slap me some skin.

Governator: Ignition, or How Ah-nuld Destroys the World

It seemed almost like one of those time-paradoxes was created, when (spoilerz) California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared as a T-800 Terminator in the latest, and fourth, film in the franchise, Terminator: Salvation. Like, he couldn’t be in the movie since he’s currently governor of one of the most economically-ravaged states in the Union, and would probably cause some sort of ethical conflict or something. So they used data from facial scans of Arnold to create a prosthetic mask worn by a similarly-built bodybuilder, plus some CGI, to create the effect of an Arnold-based Terminator. It was a very realistic effect – not “****ing amateur” as Christian Bale might say.

In real life, Arnold was on hand at the unveiling of a new super laser, developed by the National Ignition Facility (um… yeah, for real), that will be used to ignite a fusion reaction, creating energy the way the Sun does. Plus, I’m sure it will have other military uses, like, um, blowing up Alderaan or something. So, let’s see: the NIF is creating a miniature Sun right here in the US, and CERN may create miniature black holes over in Europe with it’s Large Hadron Collider. Hmm… sounds like Judgement Day is closer than we thought…

– Nigel Matrix