Man v. Food v. Vampires

Garlic Gluttony Proves Adequate Defense Against Undead

Gluttony as spectacle.  It’s often painful to watch the Travel Channel’s Adam Richman eat some new combination of hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, cheese, bacon, chili, hot peppers, mozz sticks or whatever, by the pound.  After all, there are only so many possible combinations of the unhealthiest foods that can possibly be put together.  He travels around the country looking for some minor variation of the above that he hasn’t yet encountered.  It’s slightly more interesting when he eats the spiciest hot wings, and turns scarlet.  But mostly, it’s just ordinary junk food, combined in some way that’s slightly different from the last time, and guzzled to the beat of a timer.

In order to make things slightly more interesting, we suggest that a new variation be included: the undead.  Specifically, vampires.  Man fights food, food fights vampires.  Taking a cue from modern literary reworkings such as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, if Richman cannot consume six pounds of garlic cloves in the allotted half an hour, the Nosferatu get to eat him instead.  Perhaps it might help to clear all that meat residue out of his system.  Garlic is good for you.  But bad for vampires.  Remember, as The Phantom Menace taught us, there’s always something with more teeth than you.  Maybe it’s time someone was looking over Richman’s shoulder, waiting for the timer, hoping to earn the I Finished All Of Adam Richman tee shirt.

Keeping Up With The Cardassians

Menacing Aliens Fodder For Popular Reality Television Show

The Star Trek folks sure know how to make aliens ugly.  I mean, not like the Horta ugly–that was just a blob of rock.  Not like the Gorn ugly–that was just a big lizard.  But those darn Cardassians on Deep Space Nine, man, they make you want to barf just looking at them.  Give ’em eye ridges, sunken goopy eyeballs, and barnacles all over their faces, they said, and yeeeeecchh…there you go.  No science fiction is complete without menacing, ugly aliens, I guess.   And then give them slicked back mullets, because all aliens need those.

Let’s meet some of our Cardassian friends…there’s Dukat, and even though he has a few good moments, basically is just the evil leader-type, he would like nothing better than to get rid of our hero, Captain Benjamin Sisko (no, the good keptain didn’t make Internet routers, that’s Cisco).  Then there’s Damar, who sides with Cardassian rebels against the Dominion.  Finally, there’s Elim Garak, an ex-spy who opens a tailor shop on DS9.  Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a reality show that followed their exploits?

We could see their mom Kris and their adaptive step-Dad Bruce Jenner, who used to be on Wheaties cereal boxes–try to help manage their fashion careers.  Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney would get into various hyjinx involving photoshoots, trying to launch perfume and clothing lines, going on location, you know.  And you’d have to keep up with them.  Well, you could keep up with them by watching the show.  Not really the best title.  Wait…a…minute…those are Kardashians, not Cardassians.  Sorry.  The Kardashians aren’t ugly at all–far from it–and they don’t commit acts of Interstellar Aggression.  But check it out, even Wikipedia isn’t sure–they list them together on the same page.  To make things even more confusing, Khloe recently changed her last name to Odom.  Wasn’t he the shape-shifting sherrif of Deep Space Nine?  Guess I’d better grab a bowl of Wheaties and try to keep up.

Some things just never end, Buck. (Be-de-be-de.)

Welcome to the jungle, Buck. They’ve been talking recently about making a grittier remake of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, but, I don’t know, I’m getting tired of these gritty, dark remakes. I miss the cheesy, futuristic fun of the early 80’s Buck. (And I really miss the perfect bad girl/good girl tag team of Princess Ardala and Col. Deering…). I’ve got the entire series on DVD and occasionally need to relive my wasted youth watching the same Draconian fighter explode in episode after episode, or the same Stargate activate or, hey – didn’t I see that starship on an episode of Battlestar Galactica once? Oh, well – yeah, they did recycle some of the special effects, but it was all in the name of campy sci-fi goodness.

Oh, and sorry to poke fun at Axl Rose – I did actually quite like his Chinese Democracy album, once it was finally released after 15 or so years. Though, I think by that point he should have just called it an Axl Rose solo album, not a Guns’n’Roses one.

If Axl does make it to the 25th Century, maybe he can use that band Andromeda on his Chinese Democracy sequel.

Solved: The Mysterious Mystery of Tiger Woods’ Mysterious Wife

Golf Star's Spouse Revealed As Thundera Native; Able to Use Mystical Weapon

For whatever reason, the media have decided to label Elin Nordegren Woods as “mysterious”.  The smokin’ wife of uber-famous golfer Tiger Woods, she has apparently been given the label just to draw viewer attention to the story of Woods’ SUV crash.  Now it seems like it’s part of her name.  I wonder if the Post Office knows?  Is it on her driver’s license now?  Do her friends call her “The”?  Do they call her Mz. Mysterious? Oh, it doth irk me so.  What has the poor woman done to deserve such a label?  Are they trying to build her up to do her own talk show or something?  There are much more important things going on right now than Tiger crashing his SUV, but even if I wanted to read the story, I couldn’t, because there’s that “M” word attached to his wife and alleged rescuer.

So let’s solve the riddle of the crash and the mystery of the mysterious Elin once and for all.  Here’s what happened.  Tiger Woods was actually attacked by Mum-ra the Ever-Living, late of Third Earth.  This caused him to crash the SUV.  Watch for it in the tabloids.  Mum-ra attacked “Tiger” because Tiger is secretly from Thundera, and is a Thundercat.  But he did not have the Sword of Omens with him, and was therefore not able to defend himself.  Cheetara–err, Elin, sorry–heard the commotion, brought out the Sword, shouted “Thundercats, Ho” and was able to generate a blast of energy to ward off Mum-ra.  Unfortunately, it shattered both of the back windows of the SUV. 

Why is this so hard to comprehend, newswriters?

New V Finale: Billy Mays Lives

Waif-like Carnivorous Alien Dictator Ponders Infomercial Food Tools

The new remake of “V” on ABC ain’t that bad.  It captures a lot of the feel of the original, and while there’s no Marc Singer (Yay, Beastmaster) kind of hero, you do have fifth columnists, reporters, teenage boy spies, and so on.  Some of the plot elements are a little forced, what with the references to sleeper cells and all that.  But you know there’s leapin’ lizards underneath, and a bunch o’ face-ripping on the way.  Here, mousey, mousey.  Anna (Morena Baccarin), the alien leader, is still female in this version, but not in the big-haired 80s sort of way of the original, more like an emaciated runway waif with boy hair.   And then there’s…Scott Wolf.  From that 1990s melodrama Party of Five.  Sheesh.  Wolf plays sell-out tv reporter Chad Decker.  On his best days, his mannerisms and acting style suggest a sort of poor man’s Michael J. Fox–another sort of canine-named actor.  Fox played a character named Scott in his movie Teen Wolf so it makes some kind of sense….

But the season (if you can call four episodes a season–I think they call it a “pod” or something like that) finale ends with the main alien turncoat dude sending Anna a mysterious message, “John May Lives”.  Pshaw.  What about Billy Mays?  Our fallen, beloved infomercial hero?  I miss him hawking Orange Glow.  And Slider Factory.  Basically, a mold to make little tiny hamburgers with.  That’s what the aliens in “V” are planning to do to us sooner or later.  Let’s just hope they eat Chad Decker first.

Cash For Clunkers: Knight Rider

American V8 Muscle Car with Onboard AI Provides Generous Tax Incentive

Michael Knight, A Shadowy Figure on a Lone Crusade to buy a new car.  What with those crazy gas prices last year, he probably can’t afford to drive a V8 gas-guzzler…enter the government’s Cash For Clunkers program.  You can trade in your ancient petro-gulping behemouth of a TransAm for some inconsequential little conveyance like a Cooper Mini or Honda Civic Hybrid.  The leather jacket might be a bit of a stretch, then, Mr. Knight.  And please button up your pink shirt just a few more buttons…I can’t stand the sight of all that greying chest hair in that perpetual sunset you always seem to be driving around in.  And if you see those Dukes of Hazzard boys with that bright orange monstrosity of theirs, the General Lee, please send it our way.

BTW, in case you hadn’t noticed, they’re re-making Knight Rider again.  This time it’s supposed to be Michael Knight’s son.  Last time, it was “Team Knight Rider”, with five different AI vehicles, and before that, “Knight Rider 2000”.  You just aren’t going to capture the success of the original show.  And most cars have computers in them now anyways, it’s not such a big deal anymore.  (Still no video-capable wrist watches, though, I’ll give Glenn Larson that much.) It’s the Knight Industries Three Thousand this time, which sounds cool except that KR2K used the Knight Industries Four Thousand.  But “KIFT” sounds dorky, and reminds us of Amy’s boyfriend from Futurama.  No one ever listens to me about how to make a proper sequel, but here goes: resurrect KITT’s twice-kilt brother KARR (the Knight Automated Roving Robot), and let George Takai drive it.  Nuff said.

You may have Syfy if you are…

I’ve got Syfy on my fingahs!!! (I keep going around saying that… if you listen to The Beatles you’ll know the reference). Supposedly the main reason for the Sci-Fi Channel to change to Syfy is that it can be trademarked, while Sci-Fi is a genre description so it couldn’t be. It’s just freaking me out, like, I feel as if I have a reading disorder as I know the word should be “sci-fi” but it’s spelled all weird now and somehow my brain is confused, like learning a new language. And their tagline is “Imagine Greater”, which is like a rip-off of the old Apple “Think Different” (both have adverb troubles, too…)

I think the problem with “syfy” is that it reads as “siffy” and not “sci-fi just spelled differently”. I think if they were a brand new channel/site it wouldn’t be a big deal, but to just re-brand an established channel that does well within its niche is weird. And if they are looking to expand beyond sci-fi content, then why not come up with some completely new name to reflect that? Weird…

– Nigel Matrix

Jeff Albertson Weighs In

Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse than “Windows Mojave”, the ultimate rebrand FAIL arrives: Syfy.  No, it’s not a disease you get from an unsanitized telephone, it’s the new name for the “Channel Formerly Known As The Sci-Fi Network” (CFKATSN–Kiff Katson to you and me).  Maybe it would have been better if they had changed their name to an unpronounceable symbol.  That worked for Prince.  For a while. 

It just seems as if at the height of their popularity–everyone was talking about Battlestar Galactica Nuevo just a few short months ago…they are just giving up the concept that made them important.  If they don’t want to be Sci-Fi anymore, what’s the point?  (Kinda like when MTV stopped playing videos, right?)  Well, I’m sure they do, but they just want to do other stuff, too.  Like when Happy Days made Fonzie jump the shark because hanging out at Pat Morita’s Grill and learning Kara-te was not enough.  (“Fonzie…first paint fence, then jump shark.”)  Or when DragonTales added Enrique to the mix.  Or when Dora the Explorer became a Princess instead of a Scientist.  Or when KITT got “Super Pursuit Mode” on Knight Rider.  If it works and people like it, they depend on it…don’t change it because you think they’re bored…you’ll alienate them.  But no one ever learns this.  It just happens all the time.    Well, we can only shake our heads sadly and move on.  To paraphrase Jeff Albertson, better known as “Comic Book Guy” on The Simpsons…Worst.  Rebrand.  Ever.

–Raven

Poetry? Why Not. They Did Everything Else.

Professor Chaos–Butters on South Park–once came to the conclusion that the Simpsons had already done everything.  He felt trapped in a world mapped out by Bart, Lisa, Homer, Maggie, Marge and all the crew (not to mention Jessica and Ashley….).  Well South Park itself has used up a great deal of potential plot ideas itself.  Everyone’s had a shot at poor Kenny, right?  Not so, not so.  There’s a long list of sci-fi baddies with energy weapons, spaceships, photon torpedoes, distintegration rays, and so on just itching for a chance.  Yet of all these, perhaps the most officious and callous would be the Vogons.

The Vogons–who destroy the Earth in the beginning of every incarnation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy–are, of course, the third worst poets in the Universe.  Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to endure Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz’s loftier literary ambitions.  They survive through adept use of disingenuous literary criticism, but Captain Jeltz orders them thrown into space anyway.  Point is, the Vogons have not yet had a crack at Kenny McCormick.  And hey, it’s only the third worst poetry in the Universe.  The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria, and the very worst poetry in existence is KISS lyrics read out loud.  “You show us everything you got.  You keep on dancin’, and the room gets hot.  You drive us wild.  We’ll…drive you crazy.”  Poor Kenny would never last a minute under that kind of stress….

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Billion

Well, if you had to pick one mother for the whole human race, who better than TV’s Kate Gosselin, who’s managing to deal with eight kids of her own (in your face Carol Brady…)?  What’s another 7.9999999999 billion or so?  Send her back in time to the right moment, and boom.  There you go.  It just could happen.  Well, it’d be better than that Cylon Hera kid from Battlestar Galactica.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could watch mitochondrial “Kate” Eve on TV?  You could be mystified by her self-reliance, restraint, and odd patterns of semi-autonomous asymmetrical hair.  Now that’s science fiction….