Dr. Hans Rienhardt’s Short-Lived Deli Job

Interplanetary Combat Robot Proves Mettle In Processing Lunchmeat

Well, if you’re gonna be a madman, who says you can’t make a mean cold cut?  Hans Rienhardt, villian of Disney’s 1980s sci-fi trek The Black Hole, managed a state-of-the-art food growing and processing facility onboard the U.S.S. Cygnus so that he could feed his army of mechanized humanoid workers.  He had to start somewhere, right?  He probably got the idea of mechanizing his crew from one of those automatic ordering systems you find nowadays when purchasing bulk lunchmeat products.  Please allow 35 minutes to complete your order of cybernetic slaves, thanks.

Of course, no one knew much about black holes in the 1980s.  We didn’t understand being compressed to a singularity, squished beyond jello squished.  We knew nothing about spagettification.   The only spagettification in the Disney cannon at that point happened during Lady and the Tramp, where both titular canines try to eat the same noodle and end up sucking face instead.  Not getting stretched into infinite thinness hitting the event horizon.  No one hazarded a guess that black holes lurked in the center of every galaxy, or that the universe was tuned to a really low Bb note.   All we knew was that red robots were cool, and that you could talk to them with ESP.   I bet you Honda’s already working on that somewhere right now.  But all you can think about is salami.