Solved: The Mysterious Mystery of Tiger Woods’ Mysterious Wife

Golf Star's Spouse Revealed As Thundera Native; Able to Use Mystical Weapon

For whatever reason, the media have decided to label Elin Nordegren Woods as “mysterious”.  The smokin’ wife of uber-famous golfer Tiger Woods, she has apparently been given the label just to draw viewer attention to the story of Woods’ SUV crash.  Now it seems like it’s part of her name.  I wonder if the Post Office knows?  Is it on her driver’s license now?  Do her friends call her “The”?  Do they call her Mz. Mysterious? Oh, it doth irk me so.  What has the poor woman done to deserve such a label?  Are they trying to build her up to do her own talk show or something?  There are much more important things going on right now than Tiger crashing his SUV, but even if I wanted to read the story, I couldn’t, because there’s that “M” word attached to his wife and alleged rescuer.

So let’s solve the riddle of the crash and the mystery of the mysterious Elin once and for all.  Here’s what happened.  Tiger Woods was actually attacked by Mum-ra the Ever-Living, late of Third Earth.  This caused him to crash the SUV.  Watch for it in the tabloids.  Mum-ra attacked “Tiger” because Tiger is secretly from Thundera, and is a Thundercat.  But he did not have the Sword of Omens with him, and was therefore not able to defend himself.  Cheetara–err, Elin, sorry–heard the commotion, brought out the Sword, shouted “Thundercats, Ho” and was able to generate a blast of energy to ward off Mum-ra.  Unfortunately, it shattered both of the back windows of the SUV. 

Why is this so hard to comprehend, newswriters?