New Movie Etiquette

Been to the movies lately?  It’s not so much the $10-$12 admission price, or the $7 popcorn (stuff yer face at home before you come) but the messages about cell phones and PDAs needing to be shut off that’s troubling.  The latest incarnation has this guy trying to get his script produced, and he gets all these phone calls…until the last one, which ruins the whole thing.  Somehow.  And there’s a monkey in it.  Are we supposed to feel bad for this guy?  I’m sure he’d be getting a fair chunk of change to get the rights for his script.  Plus, he’s hanging out with a monkey. 

I agree with the sentiment, there’s enough noise going on in a packed theater without the need for technoscreech as well.  Cell phones have their uses, but the hands-free models that stick in your ear are a little freaky.  They make it look like you’re talking to yourself.  Are you possessed?  Are you a Zombie?  One of the Borg?  Part of a Hive Mind?  Glassy-eyed, straight-ahead staring muttering people brushing past each other in hallways and supermarket aisles…no one can be told what the Matrix is, right?  You have to see it for yourself…I think you already have….

Poetry? Why Not. They Did Everything Else.

Professor Chaos–Butters on South Park–once came to the conclusion that the Simpsons had already done everything.  He felt trapped in a world mapped out by Bart, Lisa, Homer, Maggie, Marge and all the crew (not to mention Jessica and Ashley….).  Well South Park itself has used up a great deal of potential plot ideas itself.  Everyone’s had a shot at poor Kenny, right?  Not so, not so.  There’s a long list of sci-fi baddies with energy weapons, spaceships, photon torpedoes, distintegration rays, and so on just itching for a chance.  Yet of all these, perhaps the most officious and callous would be the Vogons.

The Vogons–who destroy the Earth in the beginning of every incarnation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy–are, of course, the third worst poets in the Universe.  Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to endure Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz’s loftier literary ambitions.  They survive through adept use of disingenuous literary criticism, but Captain Jeltz orders them thrown into space anyway.  Point is, the Vogons have not yet had a crack at Kenny McCormick.  And hey, it’s only the third worst poetry in the Universe.  The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria, and the very worst poetry in existence is KISS lyrics read out loud.  “You show us everything you got.  You keep on dancin’, and the room gets hot.  You drive us wild.  We’ll…drive you crazy.”  Poor Kenny would never last a minute under that kind of stress….

Star Wars Facebook: Red Squadron

 

If the illustrious Red Squadron from Star Wars (and that’s “Episode IV: A New Hope”,  for you younginz….)  used Facebook, what quizzes would they take, what information would they share?  Well, if there were any food quizzes, good ol’ Porkins would be all over it.  We might learn why his parents were weird enough to name him “Jek”, which apparently means “guy who eats too much and has pointless facial hair”.  We might learn about why Wedge mysteriously survives all three original trilogy movies for no apparent reason, or why Biggs doesn’t…Hmmm….

• Biggs: facial hair, doesn’t survive. 
• Porkins: facial hair, doesn’t survive. 
• Luke: no facial hair, survives. 
• Wedge: no facial hair, survives. 

I get it now.  Maybe the key to surviving an assault on a Death Star to keep shaving regularly.  Is it the clean-shaven boylike innocence of youth that allows one to destroy armored battlestations with reckless impunity, or maybe just the fact that the facial hair gets itchy and distracts you so the TIE fighters can get you? Ennh. You worry about the towers. I’ll take care of those fighters.

Star Wars Facebook: The Empire “Likes” Back

The puzzling thing about Facebook is the “like” feature.   It’s pretty strange, really, you can just “like” posts by your friends. Maybe it’s just a quick way to acknowledge a post, but it seems pretty inaccurate most of the time to say you “like” a post completely and unconditionally.  John’s mother is coming to visit…Sally likes this.  Huh?  What the heck?  Does that really mean anything?  It’s just so final sounding.  It indicates the kind of enthusiam that mundane events like a visit from your in-laws just usually don’t generate.  Imagine the equivalent phone conversation.  “Dude, you mother-in-law is coming for dinner?  I like that, man.  I like it.  No, seriously.  I like it.  What?  Yeah,  L-I-K-E.”

You’d be sounding pretty weird in no time.   On Facebook, you can say more if you want, but there’s always the one-click “like” option to indicate global blanket approval so you don’t have to bother.  I’d imagine, though, that if you were in the Evil Galatic Empire, you’d find yourself “liking” a lot of the things your higher-ups would tell you…particularly higher ups like Grand Moff Tarkin, Admiral Ozzel, Captain Piett, and of course, Darth V.  Especially when they demonstrate the power of the Death Star by obliterating the planet Alderaan.  Or, try this: “Like, ZOMG, Darth, I like, so totally liked that way you, like, tried to hunt down those like, Rebel Scum in our trench. ROTFLBBQ, FTW.”  Use Facebook, and like, unleash your inner Silicon Valley Girl.  Gag me with a TurboLaser.

Rock Band: Mos Eisley

It’s a well-known fact in Star Wars fandom that the Mos Eisley Cantina Band only knows one song.   When they kick back and relax after work, safely at home after a long day of weirdos such as Greedo, Walrus Man, and Han Solo shooting and chopping up the customers at their only steady gig, what better way than with Rock Band?   Of course, the standard Fender Strat controller isn’t compatable.  You have to get the special Bassoon–O-Phone controllers to play it.  They’d better score some overdrive soon, or else that blue elephant-man Max Rebo and his weirdo stalk-lipped blob singer Sy Snoodles will start stealing all the gigs.

But who are the Cantina band, and why did Wal-Mart release action figures of them?   Only Wikipedia and the “extended universe” book sequels know for sure.  According to the package for the action figures, the lead guy’s name is “Figrin D’an”.  Hey, whatcha figurin’, Dan?  He must always get stuck spliiting up the check for everyone.  It’s a dumb name, alright.  Even if we leave questions unanswered (like what kind of ring would you make from a fig, exactly?), it really sounds like figurine, which might exactly be why they decided to release D’an and friends as action figures.  Maybe it’s a tribute to George Lucas’ own genius in keeping the merchandising rights to the franchise.  The rest of the band is called “The Modal Nodes”, which is actually a weird music theory joke based on medieval composition techniques.  So, we can safely leave that aside.  And…moving right along….

Don’t look for Rock Band: Mos Eisley anytime soon.   You’ll just have to make due with Rock Band: The Beatles, Rock Band: Unplugged, Guitar Hero: Metallica,  and new track packs being released for Rock Band–Unplugged, Metal, and Classic Rock.  More Boston and Rush, yay.  No Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes.  Get over it already.

Governator: Ignition, or How Ah-nuld Destroys the World

It seemed almost like one of those time-paradoxes was created, when (spoilerz) California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared as a T-800 Terminator in the latest, and fourth, film in the franchise, Terminator: Salvation. Like, he couldn’t be in the movie since he’s currently governor of one of the most economically-ravaged states in the Union, and would probably cause some sort of ethical conflict or something. So they used data from facial scans of Arnold to create a prosthetic mask worn by a similarly-built bodybuilder, plus some CGI, to create the effect of an Arnold-based Terminator. It was a very realistic effect – not “****ing amateur” as Christian Bale might say.

In real life, Arnold was on hand at the unveiling of a new super laser, developed by the National Ignition Facility (um… yeah, for real), that will be used to ignite a fusion reaction, creating energy the way the Sun does. Plus, I’m sure it will have other military uses, like, um, blowing up Alderaan or something. So, let’s see: the NIF is creating a miniature Sun right here in the US, and CERN may create miniature black holes over in Europe with it’s Large Hadron Collider. Hmm… sounds like Judgement Day is closer than we thought…

– Nigel Matrix

Lastday. Carousel Begins.

Carousel is the mother of all spectator sports.  The participants don’t really have a chance, but still, it’s better than getting disintegrated just because some war computer on planet Eminiar (Star Trek: TOS) has declared you a casualty.  Life is perfect until age 30, when your metabolism craps out, and you get all tired and fat.  Err, no, wait, that’s our world.  In the world of Logan’s Run, you put on a stupid mask that would make Jason Vorhees proud, and then you fly up into the air and blow up.   Or, you can run away, avoid every Sandman you see (they terminate runners–“Exit niiiiiigggghhhtttt…you’re off to never-never land….” ) and maybe Box, the insane refrigerator robot, will freeze you all up just before you get outside to the impossibly ivy-covered US Capitol, where a nameless old man hangs out with cats.

Or just maybe, in a slightly better (but still stupid) future, your head would explode into broccoli instead.  Then the lifeclock–the crystal implanted in your hand to show what stage you’re at–might be a bit different.  Still, you have to love Logan’s Run, it gave the department of redundancy department food for thought with its innane Sandman taunt: “Run, runner!”.   Shop, shopper!  Eat, eater!  Wash Your Car, You Car Washing Person!  Well, about the runners: either someone’s little strip of carpet, or someone’s stockings are in trouble…makes you feel for the broccoli option.  Explode Into Broccoli, Exploder Into Broccoli Person!

LOLAliens

Xenomorph Parasite's Whimsical Diction Becomes Internet Phenomenon

It’s a crab, it’s a hand, it’s a crab-hand-tail face sucky thing.   From the twisted minds of H.R. Giger and Ridley Scott, let’s present the oddest of odd life-cycles: that of the Alien species from movie of the same name.  Okay, first there’s an egg.   So far, so good.  Then the crab-hand face sucky things come out.  Okay, creepy, disturbing, awful…but not outside the realm of possibility.  But wait, the face-sucky hand-crab long-tail thing (FSHCLT) then attaches to a victim and then somehow seeds the victim with a different kind of egg…and then the adult stage grows inside the victim until it bursts out.   I don’t think they actually talk much about it, but some form of egg or zygote is definitely implanted in the victim by the FSHCLT which then dies.  Let’s imagine that it’s an egg, for argument’s sake.

So let’s get this straight: there’s an egg, a larva, and the larva dies and lays smaller eggs which produce adult young.  Any species you know that makes two different kinds of eggs, and alternates generations between physiology and types of eggs?  Kinda makes you wonder what a Xenomorph omlet would taste like.  With all that slime they always show, maybe it tastes like a cheeseburger.  But I bet the FSHCLT itself would taste more like Shrimp Cocktail.  Mmmm…bugs from the sea, bugs from the sea….