What caused the apocalypse in “The Road”

A Nanobot “grey goo” attack? No… Nuclear war? No… Ecological disaster? No… It was the dreaded Zhu Zhu Pets. Once they were shown how to drive cars, these small robotic creatures managed to escape their human masters and wage a destructive path across the world. Only Viggo and his son survived, and they spend most of The Road trying to scavenge up the various plastic Zhu Zhu ramps and playsets in an attempt to end the Zhu Zhu rampage. Well, at least that’s what I think it’s probably about…

These Zhu Zhu Pets look pretty lame. Seems like robot toy tech is actually devolving from the days of Elmo, Aibo, and Pleo. Or I guess ten dollar robot hamsters are all we can afford now.

New V Finale: Billy Mays Lives

Waif-like Carnivorous Alien Dictator Ponders Infomercial Food Tools

The new remake of “V” on ABC ain’t that bad.  It captures a lot of the feel of the original, and while there’s no Marc Singer (Yay, Beastmaster) kind of hero, you do have fifth columnists, reporters, teenage boy spies, and so on.  Some of the plot elements are a little forced, what with the references to sleeper cells and all that.  But you know there’s leapin’ lizards underneath, and a bunch o’ face-ripping on the way.  Here, mousey, mousey.  Anna (Morena Baccarin), the alien leader, is still female in this version, but not in the big-haired 80s sort of way of the original, more like an emaciated runway waif with boy hair.   And then there’s…Scott Wolf.  From that 1990s melodrama Party of Five.  Sheesh.  Wolf plays sell-out tv reporter Chad Decker.  On his best days, his mannerisms and acting style suggest a sort of poor man’s Michael J. Fox–another sort of canine-named actor.  Fox played a character named Scott in his movie Teen Wolf so it makes some kind of sense….

But the season (if you can call four episodes a season–I think they call it a “pod” or something like that) finale ends with the main alien turncoat dude sending Anna a mysterious message, “John May Lives”.  Pshaw.  What about Billy Mays?  Our fallen, beloved infomercial hero?  I miss him hawking Orange Glow.  And Slider Factory.  Basically, a mold to make little tiny hamburgers with.  That’s what the aliens in “V” are planning to do to us sooner or later.  Let’s just hope they eat Chad Decker first.

2112: The Movie (A Canadian Apocalypse)

Canadian Rock Musician Ponders Future Apocalypse During Current Apocalypse

Well, if 1999 taught us anything, it was not to panic over a date.  It meant that even when the number of the calendar year does something weird, just forget about it and pretend it didn’t happen.  Because it’s just a number.   Now, there’s a lot of hype regarding 2012, the year of the Mayan Long Calendar change.  Big deal.  Don’t get me wrong, the Mayans were cool…they taught the people on the Galactica to play triad.  But if our current regular calendar–which billions of people use–flipping the thousands column did nothing, why should a calendar that no one has used for centuries make any difference at all? 

Well, it might not make a difference to how the world turns out, but it makes a good stuff-blowing-up movie, what with John Cusack in it and all.  Me, I’d rather see Geddy Lee from the Canadian rock band Rush take on the Preists of the Temples of Syrinx…whoever the heck they are.  Maybe I’m just not getting it, but that song doesn’t make all that much sense, nor does the rest of the 2112 album.  It sounds pretty cool, though.  Hmmm…maybe there’s some kind of Canadian apocalypse in about 100 years…is that what they were trying to tell us?  You bring the touques, I’ll bring the back bacon, eh?

Jeff Paul’s Shortcuts To Skynet Millions

Reanimated Convict Becomes Heir To Untold Technology Riches

If you’ve ever been up really, really late at night maybe you’ve seen Jeff Paul’s informercial “Shortcuts to Internet Millions”.  You’ll know it right away due to the fact that you really don’t see all that much of Jeff himself, just the usual people playing golf, eating expensive food, lounging by swimming pools…all the hallmarks of a life of luxury.  Oh, yes, and his two perky, buxom female interviewers (Carmen Paulmbo, Stacey Hayes) who interrogate the suddenly well-to-do.  Surprisingly, they don’t seem to mind the questioning all that much. 

Poor Marcus Wright, though, will never have a chance to utilize Jeff’s scheme, no matter how well it works.  Marcus was a convict in Terminator: Salvation who donated his body to science (err, well, I guess he donated it to science fiction, like the comedian Steven Wright–no relation–said).  He wakes up with no memory and a shiny metal endoskeleton.  Skynet likes him at first–it thinks it’s his mommy–and wants to make him heir to the robot empire, but Marcus will have none of it.  All the Kristiana Lokken T-X models had already left, you see.  Anyway, after a long, drawn-out movie with a heck of a lot of yelling in it (which resembles Apocalypse Now quite a bit), the whole thing is set up for a few dozen sequels.  Marcus gets damaged, though; he might need to get some prosthetic covering from one of them there newfangled “V” type aliens.  One face-ripper to another, he could say: hey, bro, slap me some skin.

Who You Gonna Call?

Mean-Sprited Miser Aided By Paranormal Investigation Squad

Disney’s new adaptation of A Christmas Carol stays pretty faithful to the original Charles Dickens novel.  Makes for some pretty cool special effects, but some slow pacing and set up at the get-go.  You know the story, of course: penny-pincher Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by various ghosts of Christmas something or another, and he ends up changing his ways.  Bill Murray’s 1980’s version, Scrooged, had a bit more life in it, but the new version is in 3D, aided by the rubbery-faced Jim Carey.

Scrooge need not heed the advice of all the supernatural haunts, though.  He might simply have invoked a somewhat different incarnation of Bill Murray–in the form of Dr. Peter Venkman.  Jacob Marley?  Just a Class Five Full-Roaming Vapor.  Real nasty one, too.  Them Ghostbusters can’t be beat, cleanin’ up the Ghost of Christmas Future and his ilk.  Then again, Scrooge might not be willing to pony up the outrageous fees that Stantz, Spengler, and Venkman charge.  Proton charging?  One thousand dollars.   Trapment of Supernatural Entities?  Four thousand dollars.  Getting to sleep without having to face that nagging conscience?  Priceless.

Cash For Clunkers: Knight Rider

American V8 Muscle Car with Onboard AI Provides Generous Tax Incentive

Michael Knight, A Shadowy Figure on a Lone Crusade to buy a new car.  What with those crazy gas prices last year, he probably can’t afford to drive a V8 gas-guzzler…enter the government’s Cash For Clunkers program.  You can trade in your ancient petro-gulping behemouth of a TransAm for some inconsequential little conveyance like a Cooper Mini or Honda Civic Hybrid.  The leather jacket might be a bit of a stretch, then, Mr. Knight.  And please button up your pink shirt just a few more buttons…I can’t stand the sight of all that greying chest hair in that perpetual sunset you always seem to be driving around in.  And if you see those Dukes of Hazzard boys with that bright orange monstrosity of theirs, the General Lee, please send it our way.

BTW, in case you hadn’t noticed, they’re re-making Knight Rider again.  This time it’s supposed to be Michael Knight’s son.  Last time, it was “Team Knight Rider”, with five different AI vehicles, and before that, “Knight Rider 2000”.  You just aren’t going to capture the success of the original show.  And most cars have computers in them now anyways, it’s not such a big deal anymore.  (Still no video-capable wrist watches, though, I’ll give Glenn Larson that much.) It’s the Knight Industries Three Thousand this time, which sounds cool except that KR2K used the Knight Industries Four Thousand.  But “KIFT” sounds dorky, and reminds us of Amy’s boyfriend from Futurama.  No one ever listens to me about how to make a proper sequel, but here goes: resurrect KITT’s twice-kilt brother KARR (the Knight Automated Roving Robot), and let George Takai drive it.  Nuff said.

Mario Got So Ate.

Brooklyn Plumber Siblings' Misadventures End in Tragedy

Millions.  Millions of Dead Marios.  The societal cost of our collective ineptitude at Nintendo’s innovative classic platform games.  Forget the millions of unsold E.T. cartidges that Atari crushed and buried in the desert.  The real cost of our gaming addiction is in plumbers.  Mercifully, because you alternate turns, Luigi does not usually witness the fate of his hapless sibling.

Not so with Skids and Mudflap, two of the autobots in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  As the updated (and kinda weird) decepticon Devastator starts ripping through a pyramid trying to find an ancient device that pulls energon from the sun, it starts sucking in everything around it.  Mudflap gets pulled into its maw, causing Skids to lament, “He did.  He got so ate.  He got all ate up.”  Seconds later, Mudflap escapes unharmed, unlike poor Mario.  Crazy thing?  Mudflap and Mario are Red.  Skids and Luigi are green.  You’d think siblings would look more alike.