Stupidfuture: Obscure Sci-Fi Parodies

Those who fear the future are largely afraid to laugh at it….

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS REVIEW–Back To The (Stupid) Future

Posted by stupidfuture on June 9, 2013

ALL SPOILERS ALL SPOILERS ALL SPOILERS

———————-You’ve been warned————————-

So I saw Star Trek Into Darkness (STID) last night.  Greg and I also saw The Darkness in Lancaster, PA, a few weeks back.  They were awesome.  Justin Hawkins is the sole remaining living embodiment of Rock and Roll.  He literally climbed the walls and rode around on some guy’s back.  I personally would like to see the new cast of Start-Wreck (cause a lot of things were wrecked in this movie) join The Darkness–or more precisely, vice versa.  Frankie Poulain would make a mean-looking first officer.

Anyway, I kinda think I saw this movie before, but backwards.  Kirk dies in the warp chamber, and Spock screams “KHAN!!!”.  Okay, so it was decent.  I do like the new cast, particularly Karl Urban as Bones and Chirs Pine as Kirk.  I think Kirk makes a few “unKirklike” choices in the movie, including one part where he whines that he doesn’t know what to do, yet mostly, he does fulfill that poster: he can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome he believes he is.  He also signs on to assassinate Khan early in the movie, but that’s just not Kirk-style.  There was a robot dude on the bridge, I suppose a tribute to Data in Next Gen, but at first I thought he was a Deltan.  You don’t really know until you see some big Matsumoto dial sticking into the back of his head.  Well, maybe he’s a cymol–human with a robot brain, I think Jack Chalker came up with the term back in the 80s.

The best character by far has to be the diminutive, speechless alien that Scotty refers to as a walking oyster.  I was thinking cabbage, really, or Nien Numb from Jedi.  I would say that he’s Scotty’s mini-me, except that Scotty doesn’t look like an oyster.  He was fairly pickled in once scene, though.  It really does sound like the ghost of Jimmy Doohan.  The all-time best though was Peter Weller–that’s right, Buckaroo Freakin’ Bazai!  Man, he looks old.  Sorry, Buckaroo, we love you like nobody’s business.  Blue Blaze irregular here in the Garden State.  But why’d you have to try to blow up James Kirk?  And your own daughter?  Sheesh.

So you know that this movie is basically Wrath of Khan all over again, except that Khan doesn’t die, he just gets turned back into a popsicle after they use his blood to bring Kirk  BACK FROM THE DEAD.  That’s right, folks.  And he wasn’t even wearing a red shirt (Checkov was though).  Kirk is now a zombie, who, along with an army of reanimated tribbles, will attempt to eat yer brainz in the middle of the night!  Or the next movie.  Well, he might try to eat Carol Marcus first.  Yummy, though you would rather see a little meat on her bones.  (Ahnold: Vhat have you been feeding dis theeeng? Kirk: Blondes….)

I liked the Klingon face-spine ear piercings.  Uhura claimed to speak Klingon, but hey, we’ll never really know, since she just could have had a bad cold with a lot of mucus.  What do Klingons call their face-spines anyway?  If a kid gets food on it, what do the Klingon parents say?  Oh, yeah, that’s right…nobody can tell because it seems like they are just having a tasty cold.

In short: much better than the first Star Trek reboot, which I liked.  It’s neat to watch the good ol’ NCC-1701 go atmospheric, but you know they stole that off the BSG reboot.   One lingering question: if most of Starfleet’s Senior Staff was machine-gunned (err, layered) by Khan in the Khan-ference room, who is left actually in charge of Kirk?  And why exactly are they sending him on a five-year mission when war with the Klingon empire is so apparent?  Well, maybe they ARE building ten more ships of the Andromeda class to take on the White Comet, that would do it.  Oh, wait….that was StarBlazers….I would like to see ten Andromeda class ships go up against the Klingon D4s, though, they seemed much more wimpy than the D7s of yore.

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2 Responses to “STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS REVIEW–Back To The (Stupid) Future”

  1. Yes, The Darkness (the band) did rock!!! What a freakin’ awesome show!!! Felt like a time warp to a strange temporal nexus where 70’s glam/hard rock and 80s metal and modern rock all coexist simultaneously… Justin Hawkins and everyone in that band are true craftsman of rock.

    And I did enjoy Into Darkness (the Trek movie) greatly… Did feel like a backwards mashup of Trek II, but in some ways the new movie took the themes from the old one and went further, asking deeper questions about the nature of friendship, evil, terrorism, etc. Though all of this presented at a blink-and-you-miss-it breakneck speed. I enjoyed Cumberbatch’s Khan, while simultaneously missing the unique mannerisms/accent of Montalban’s classic performance. I didn’t really miss the weird exposed chest costume. I think. Also, the timestream from the original Treks didn’t really get disturbed way back when Khan was genetically engineered, so it seems odd that this new Khan would be so radically different in appearance, voice, etc. than the Montalban version, seeing as most of the other younger versions of characters are relatively similar to their alternate timestream versions (even the old Spock now exists in this new timestream). So, unless the new Khan had further genetic manipulation/surgery/voice training in the meantime, that’s the only thing that kind of stood out for me as inconsistent with the way the old/new timestreams have been presented.

    Yeah, I’m starting to wonder what’s the deal with Scotty and his little alien friend… Doesn’t seem like he’d be much good at conversation. Hmm…

    I agree that Kirk did some un-Kirk like things. And so does Spock. Director Abrams’ approach is more Star Wars-like than Trek-like (he’s admitted to having been more of a Star Wars fan). In Trek, each character kind of represents a fully-formed, mono-personality that people can relate to independently of each other, and the joy of the show is in watching how these different personalities interact, solve problems, fight and have fun. It’s about different types of people learning to work and live together. Star Wars is more about the individual character’s arc – how Luke grows from a whiny, impulsive boy to a strong, disciplined man able to take on hard truths about his destiny. How Han grows from a smuggler/rogue to a responsible, caring family man part of something greater than himself. So in this version of Trek, we’re seeing the younger versions of the characters on their various arcs of development toward the characters we always knew from the originals. So in that sense they are still learning and doing things “out of character”…

    Ok, gonna have a slight joy-gasm now that I started thinking about all the new Star Wars stuff coming soon……..

    …whew, sorry – will need to learn to keep that in check – gonna absolutely freak out when the first teaser trailers come out…

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