What if Fleegle had been there instead of Smeagol?

Jewelery Discovery Results in Middle-Earth Dweller Being Crushed By Fluffy Mallet

One banana, two banana, three banana, four…and one banana to bring them all–and in the darkness, bind them.  Was it me, or would Fleegle the Beagle from the Sid and Marty Krofft Show The Banana Splits have fit right in with Deagol, Smeagol (who later becomes known as Gollum, and apparently slips up and creeps away with Robert Plant’s girlfriend on Led Zeppelin II) and the other “river folk”?

Fleegle, the erstwhile leader of the ‘Splits, in their quest to one-up the nefarious Sour Grapes Bunch, at times weilded not a rock or sword, but a pastel fluffy mallet.  Poor Deagol.  What a way to go, pastel-fluffy-malleted to death.  Over a ring.  Sheesh.  In his defense, Fleegle was much more prone to weild a guitar, so maybe he didn’t do it after all.  As for Snorky, Bingo, and Drooper…who can say?

Anyway, the Fleegle character–less nightmarish than Sigmund the Sea Monster, or anyone from H.R. Puff ‘N Stuff–was voiced by the ever-exuberant Paul Winchell, voice of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, Gargamel, and many, many other characters–many of whom were prone to say “Woo-hoo-hoo”.  If Fleegle did do it, that would have been the last thing poor Deagol heard in Middle Earth.  Then, in 500 years, Fleegle would lose the One Ring to Bilbo Baggins, but he would creep up and slip away with Robert Plant’s girlfriend.  However much fake fur he lost in the meantime, he was still probably an easier sell than scrawny, tattered Smeagol.   And when he fed poor Sam and Frodo to Shelob, even Sauron would smile at the resounding “Woo-hoo-hoo”.

Snow Removal in a 1950’s Retro Future

Don’t eat the glowing snow… Wow, it’s the middle of the “February Fury” (as the Weather Channel has dubbed it) blizzard part three here in Jersey, and I could really use this Atomic Snow Removal truck from the 1950’s idea of the future. Shame about that whole radiation thing, though, so guess we’re stuck with plows and salt.

I just finished reading the book Your Flying Car Awaits – Robot Butlers, Lunar Vacations, and Other Dead-Wrong Predictions of the Twentieth Century by Paul Milo (thanks, BTW, to Raven for the xmas gift). Really fun to read about the science fact and fiction predictions over the years. Being a science/sci-fi nut since I was pretty much a toddler, I actually remembered a lot of the predictions from the 70s, 80s and 90s – from magazines like Omni, Discover, Wired, etc. And cool to make the connections of the predictions to the sci-fi movies of those same eras.

I was really disturbed by the chapter on Nuclear Fusion and Weather Control, especially the many ideas governments (including the U.S. and Russia) and engineers had for using nuclear detonations for massive construction projects. Suggestions such as creating a new harbor in Alaska, a new Suez canal and huge inland lakes using nuclear blasts were seriously considered during the 1950’s and 60’s. In the end, they decided that these areas would remain too radioactive to actually use. Glad we figured that out before it was too late! Though, I am worried lately reading online about Bill Gates dropping millions into weather control research as a way to combat climate change. Hopefully as a very, very last resort… just testing weather control systems could cause more damage than it’s worth.

If you get a chance, check out Milo’s book. Really makes you think about the predictions that are being made today and how they shape our collective vision and expectations of the future.

– Nigel Matrix

P.S.- The “Atomic Snow Removal” truck idea (however it works) is something I made up, just extrapolating from what I read in Milo’s book about the attitude in the 1950’s that we could use nuclear power to solve pretty much everything.

Amazing Apps and Accessories for the New Apple Tablet

Capillary dilation or the so-called blush response… fluctuation of the pupil, involuntary dilation of the iris…. Um… Do you like our owl? Sorry, somehow all of the anticipation for the new Apple Tablet (or iPad, or iSlate, or Canvas, or Electronic Messiah) has put me in a Blade Runner mood. Just thought it would be cool if the new tablet has a Voight-Kampff app so you could detect Replicants on-the-go. You’d still need the retro bellows as an accessory (think it has something to do with detecting pheromones of an emotional response), but it’s a lot more portable than that CRT monitor setup Deckard has to usually lug around. Oh, wait… Replicants haven’t been invented yet, right.

Still, the tablet is gonna rock… whatever it does. I mean, I’m a big-time Apple fanboy, but even I’ve been worn out from all the hype and speculation about this thing. Please, Steve, let it go… release it to us… we are ready to finally have this futuristic sci-fi device that we always see in every sci-fi movie ever made. I know, there are other tablet computers announced by other companies, and the Kindle is a specialized book-reading tablet, but Mr. Jobs always seems to have an eye for details other designers miss, just a knack for innovation that takes things to the next level. Yeah, I know, I’m a hopeless Apple fanboy…

– Nigel Matrix

The Actual Book of Eli

Business Text Proves Useful In Negotiating Armageddon

Denzel Washington survives the End of the World in the new movie The Book of Eli and spends all his time carrying around a Bible.  Okay, fine, there’s probably some really good stuff in there you might want, though I’d probably stick around the book of Exodus, where all the major butt-kicking occurs.  Because let’s face it, there’s never a nice post-Apocalyptic society.  You need Old Testment kinda stuff to make sense of a destroyed landscape where it’s hard to find food.  But I’d much rather have, say, The Book Scout Handbook or The Army Survival Manual.  Stuff that tells you how to catch a bear and which berries will give you a rash.  Boo-yah.

But really, really what I’d want is something tailored exactly to the situation.  Like Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but revised for the situation, to be The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Post-Apocalyptic Warriors.  (Habit #1: Always wear sunglasses.) As long as they don’t mention the word “synergy”.  No matter what color your parachute is, or who moved your cheese, the only time you should ever use the word “synergy” is when you’re talking about Jem and The Holograms.  Which was, of course, truly outrageous. 

Interestingly enough, one of Covey’s actual “7 Habits” is “Begin with the End in Mind.”  Truer words have never been written for the Mad Max set.

2010: The Year We Add More Contacts

“Something’s going to happen… Something wonderful.“ Hmm, okay, whatever you say there, incorporeal Dave Bowman. You can transform Jupiter (spoilerz) into a new sun, but you can’t work your Monolith magic to whisk a relatively small starship out of harm’s way? Oh well, guess it’s one of those “higher beings/God” can’t interfere with free will or something. Unless they’re in the whole “wrath/armageddon” mode, or course…

Well, the New Year, 2010, is upon us in a couple weeks, and I was reminiscing about the film 2010: The Year We Make Contact – the Peter Hyams-directed sequel to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. I used to love this movie back in the 80s. Closest thing to a “hard” sci-fi movie I’d ever seen at the time (hadn’t seen Blade Runner yet – don’t think that film had much popularity really until the mid-90s when it was sort of rediscovered. Plus, you could argue, that was more “cyberpunk”). Yet, 2010 was a lot more accessible (in an 80s way) than the avant-garde mind-freak of 2001 – not to say it’s anywhere near as epic or culturally important. I thought the best parts of 2010 were Dr. Chandra’s psychoanalizing of HAL9000, the Discovery’s onboard AI that basically murdered the crew in 2001.
 
I haven’t watched 2010 in many years, but it would be interesting to see how it holds up against the real year 2010. Off the top of my head, I think they had video-phones, though they were more desktop-computer or monitor-based than handheld cell-phones. I would think no mention of the Internet or the latest App to download. The Cold War was still on, and was a major plot point of the film. Plus, the film’s spaceship tech was way ahead of current capabilities, though this was also true of 2001. And in the film, there’s Artificial Intelligence (HAL) from back in 2001. All we’ve got is Wolfram Alpha and some Roombas cleaning our floors (and terrorizing our pets).

– Nigel Matrix

P.S. – Just wanted to send out a massive THANK YOU from us at stupidfuture to everyone who stopped by this year to check out our site!!! Have a great New Year, and we hope that 2010 does turn out to be “something wonderful” for you!

Keeping Up With The Cardassians

Menacing Aliens Fodder For Popular Reality Television Show

The Star Trek folks sure know how to make aliens ugly.  I mean, not like the Horta ugly–that was just a blob of rock.  Not like the Gorn ugly–that was just a big lizard.  But those darn Cardassians on Deep Space Nine, man, they make you want to barf just looking at them.  Give ’em eye ridges, sunken goopy eyeballs, and barnacles all over their faces, they said, and yeeeeecchh…there you go.  No science fiction is complete without menacing, ugly aliens, I guess.   And then give them slicked back mullets, because all aliens need those.

Let’s meet some of our Cardassian friends…there’s Dukat, and even though he has a few good moments, basically is just the evil leader-type, he would like nothing better than to get rid of our hero, Captain Benjamin Sisko (no, the good keptain didn’t make Internet routers, that’s Cisco).  Then there’s Damar, who sides with Cardassian rebels against the Dominion.  Finally, there’s Elim Garak, an ex-spy who opens a tailor shop on DS9.  Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a reality show that followed their exploits?

We could see their mom Kris and their adaptive step-Dad Bruce Jenner, who used to be on Wheaties cereal boxes–try to help manage their fashion careers.  Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney would get into various hyjinx involving photoshoots, trying to launch perfume and clothing lines, going on location, you know.  And you’d have to keep up with them.  Well, you could keep up with them by watching the show.  Not really the best title.  Wait…a…minute…those are Kardashians, not Cardassians.  Sorry.  The Kardashians aren’t ugly at all–far from it–and they don’t commit acts of Interstellar Aggression.  But check it out, even Wikipedia isn’t sure–they list them together on the same page.  To make things even more confusing, Khloe recently changed her last name to Odom.  Wasn’t he the shape-shifting sherrif of Deep Space Nine?  Guess I’d better grab a bowl of Wheaties and try to keep up.

Hey, Avatar: Roger Dean Wants His Islands Back

Remote Control Alien/Human Hybrid Claims Natural Resources For Prog

The upcoming James Cameron flick Avatar features a Space Marine named Jake Sully(played by Sam Worthington), who ends up controlling an alien body in order to help bilk the local aliens of planet Pandora–the Na’vi–out of some kind of mystical floating metal.  Apparently, said metal causes parts of the local geography to float as well…causing effects that are straight off of a Yes album cover, you know, the ones done by Roger Dean.   Who is, of course, famous for doing Yes album covers.  (Sorry, Starblazers fans, I know when you see “Space Marines” next to “Avatar” it gets your pulse racin’….)  James “Terminator 2” Cameron directs, but James “Titanic” Horner does the music, so it’s a wash.  “Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that topographic oceans must go on….”

I’d say spoilers beware, but if you watch the latest trailer it basically tells you the whole plot anyway.  Sully falls for an alien girl (Neytiri, played by Zoe Saldana) and after a period of painful moralizing, sides with the aliens.  Now, don’t get me wrong, some of the mechs the Space Marines use look really good, and the blue-skinned, frog-eyed Gungan wannabe Na’vi are kinda neat.  Me-sah likey da Na’vi.  I also liked The Navvie from the old Sega Genesis game The Chaos Engine, he was a big tough guy with a lot of hit points.  But I digress.  Nobody could ever figure out why he was called a Navvie(gator?) officially anyway.  Plus, the Cameron movie has Sigourney Weaver in it.  Big credibility points for that.  But when all is said and done, in a stupid future with floating space islands, Roger Dean will come and take back what’s his.  Because he’s famous, you know.  For doing all those Yes album covers.  That’s what he’s famous for.  Yeah.  Err, Yes.

Some things just never end, Buck. (Be-de-be-de.)

Welcome to the jungle, Buck. They’ve been talking recently about making a grittier remake of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, but, I don’t know, I’m getting tired of these gritty, dark remakes. I miss the cheesy, futuristic fun of the early 80’s Buck. (And I really miss the perfect bad girl/good girl tag team of Princess Ardala and Col. Deering…). I’ve got the entire series on DVD and occasionally need to relive my wasted youth watching the same Draconian fighter explode in episode after episode, or the same Stargate activate or, hey – didn’t I see that starship on an episode of Battlestar Galactica once? Oh, well – yeah, they did recycle some of the special effects, but it was all in the name of campy sci-fi goodness.

Oh, and sorry to poke fun at Axl Rose – I did actually quite like his Chinese Democracy album, once it was finally released after 15 or so years. Though, I think by that point he should have just called it an Axl Rose solo album, not a Guns’n’Roses one.

If Axl does make it to the 25th Century, maybe he can use that band Andromeda on his Chinese Democracy sequel.

Solved: The Mysterious Mystery of Tiger Woods’ Mysterious Wife

Golf Star's Spouse Revealed As Thundera Native; Able to Use Mystical Weapon

For whatever reason, the media have decided to label Elin Nordegren Woods as “mysterious”.  The smokin’ wife of uber-famous golfer Tiger Woods, she has apparently been given the label just to draw viewer attention to the story of Woods’ SUV crash.  Now it seems like it’s part of her name.  I wonder if the Post Office knows?  Is it on her driver’s license now?  Do her friends call her “The”?  Do they call her Mz. Mysterious? Oh, it doth irk me so.  What has the poor woman done to deserve such a label?  Are they trying to build her up to do her own talk show or something?  There are much more important things going on right now than Tiger crashing his SUV, but even if I wanted to read the story, I couldn’t, because there’s that “M” word attached to his wife and alleged rescuer.

So let’s solve the riddle of the crash and the mystery of the mysterious Elin once and for all.  Here’s what happened.  Tiger Woods was actually attacked by Mum-ra the Ever-Living, late of Third Earth.  This caused him to crash the SUV.  Watch for it in the tabloids.  Mum-ra attacked “Tiger” because Tiger is secretly from Thundera, and is a Thundercat.  But he did not have the Sword of Omens with him, and was therefore not able to defend himself.  Cheetara–err, Elin, sorry–heard the commotion, brought out the Sword, shouted “Thundercats, Ho” and was able to generate a blast of energy to ward off Mum-ra.  Unfortunately, it shattered both of the back windows of the SUV. 

Why is this so hard to comprehend, newswriters?

What caused the apocalypse in “The Road”

A Nanobot “grey goo” attack? No… Nuclear war? No… Ecological disaster? No… It was the dreaded Zhu Zhu Pets. Once they were shown how to drive cars, these small robotic creatures managed to escape their human masters and wage a destructive path across the world. Only Viggo and his son survived, and they spend most of The Road trying to scavenge up the various plastic Zhu Zhu ramps and playsets in an attempt to end the Zhu Zhu rampage. Well, at least that’s what I think it’s probably about…

These Zhu Zhu Pets look pretty lame. Seems like robot toy tech is actually devolving from the days of Elmo, Aibo, and Pleo. Or I guess ten dollar robot hamsters are all we can afford now.